so many things hurt right now I'm doing the right thing. I'm obeying my elders. It's not forever, just for now.
So why do I regret deciding it?
Sometimes it doesn't hurt at all. But then, when I'm alone, this pain rips through me and I can't even hold myself upright.
So many questions buzzing around in my head.
Am I, in fact, doing the right thing?
Am I just wasting my time?
Why can't I get this out of my head?
Why can't I just be happy for more than two hours?
Does he really care?
Has he already found someone to replace me?
Does he feel this way too?

Having forbidden contact with someone who has vital information is incredibly inconvenient.
FUCK.